Svala

[Svala]

Name: Svala
Class: Recruit
Age: 14
Birthplace: Ilia

Appearance: Svala is a petite girl with long black colored hair, and green eyes that seem to sparkle in any light despite being hidden behind her black-rimmed glasses. She wears a frilled dress underneath her armor, as well as stockings underneath the greaves. Her armor is predominantly black with a silver trim, while her dresses usually run in a variety of colors, with grays and reds being her favorites.

Personality: Svala is a fourteen-year-old Recruit raised by her parents to be polite, well-groomed, respectful, and educated. Though she does her best to maintain these qualities, her own natural clumsiness, coupled with her occasional obliviousness, tends to undermine them. Despite the resulting flubs, her overtly cute and cheery demeanor, coupled with an earnest desire to be what her parents wish, make her no less loved by those around her. She always gives her one hundred and ten percent, and is incredibly driven when it comes to succeeding at what she does, not letting any mistake stop her for long.

Surprisingly, though she manages to get along easily with adults, her peers in her age group show some wariness around her, with some even daring to say her clumsy and cute facade is but an act. When asked about it, Svala resolutely turns a blind eye to the rumors circulating about her, preferring to live each day to its fullest.

History: Left with eyesight troubles due to a childhood disease, Svala was not raised as a warrior by her parents, as was expected, but rather, they raised her for the social life, and with an aim to make her a desirable woman later in life. A woman would need to be educated and polite, and Svala found her waking hours mostly filled with lessons on speaking and with new books full of information, but not pictures. With their jobs as mercenaries not forgotten however, they left Svala alone with tutors for increasingly long time periods, instilling in her a desire for excitement and growth. One such time, and with grim resolve, Svala swore that she would learn to battle and grow as her parents did.

She began her own practicing in private with candlesticks in her room, and began coming up with ever new ways to get her tutors to inadvertently help her fulfill her goals of exploration and discovery. During one such outing she managed to coerce a tutor into, she decided to see what it would be like to actually fight someone, and decided to ask another mercenary to train her as a tutor. The man earned her parents' approval after a brief spar with her father, and thus was allowed to train her. For weeks, Svala trained with her tutor using practice weapons, and eventually qualified to use actual weapons for practice.

However, after losing to her tutor time and again after months of training with him, something in her snapped, and she redoubled her efforts, to the extent that the mercenary was surprised by the change in her battle style. During one training session, the bitterness and insecurity of not being able to ever succeed in battle coupled with her curiosity, leading her to mortally wound her tutor. Despite the initial shock of the event and what she had done, Svala found a level of fascination and enjoyment in the experience.

Finding meaning and fulfillment in the outcome, a proof that she could battle despite her vision issues, she took up her tutor's armor and lance, and applied careful conversation with her parents to convince them that her tutor died saving her from an attacker, and that she was inspired, and wanted to be like him. With their backing, she officially applied to train with local warriors of all stripes and solids. Keen on absorbing every battle tactic she can, as well as taking in all the sights and words around her, she can only grow from here. Somehow, the memory and rush of mortally wounding her tutor glued to her conscious, though it currently serves more as a potential fuel to her fire, than as a regret.

NPC Fight Example: "So, I need to stand like this? Got it, I do! Here I co-ah!" Svala's face met the floor with a crash and thud, leaving her tutor exasperated. "No. You can't bend your legs that way. It makes you trip yourself up. Haha, let's try that again!"

Picking herself up, Svala retook a stance, and this time, swung correctly. Her tutor raised his weapon to parry hers. "That was far better!"

PC Fight Example: "Ready? Here I come, I do!" Svala exclaimed as she ran straight towards her fellow Recruit. She had her practice lance held at her side, looking to pierce his armor with the attack.

[Ilheod]

Okay so first, my apologies for the wait. I'll go right into the review and work process so we can get everything taken care of! It's obvious you've the ability to take time and develop a character. So hopefully we can help you turn this into something fairly workable. I'll go over the primary issues I see initially and as their addressed we can proceed!

So the first major thing that sticks out to me, is the section that begins in 1279. Based on the timeline you gave us, she is 14. Keep in mind that this is the general age for youngest trainee units. Yet you have her not only beating veteran soldiers who would, in many cases, be promoted units game wise and realistically be not only more skilled but also extremely well developed physically. Were talking about a 14 year old child, most likely not fully conditioned yet physically matching up in combat against someone in their late twenties or thirties or maybe even early forties who has spent a life time honing and developing a singular skill set and conditioned their bodies for war. This alone isn't something we could approve, but to go far enough to say that she's obtaining a higher kill count is even more so in the unlikely area.

Now we'll get to the two more immediate caveats here and leave it at that for now. Figure we'll handle this in bite-sized pieces.

In 1283 she's advanced several ranks to a higher ranking officer. Perhaps a few ranks or leading a squad or two as a minor commanding rule. High ranking though? Fairly unlikely on battle merit alone with now precise examples.

The other big one to talk about now, and this ties more also into Bern's military structure.

1287 you state Tizi became a general. This simply isn't likely to happen, and especially at that age. Bern has only three generals. Their known as the Three Dragon Generals and each commands a third of Bern's military. They are also the only ones to hold the rank of General. Now given everything I've stayed thus far I would suggest reworking the character and toning it down as much as you can honestly. There is going to be plenty of chances post development to expound upon a character. If she was in her mid-late thirties I could see more reason for a higher ranking character. Late twenties though, I simply can't without a VERY fleshed out story. Even then, it's pushing it.

Now to this other aspect. "The Butcher of Bern." While it's possible for characters to earn a title pre-creation, it's exceptionally unlikely. We would rather see narrative built through roleplay than established as something that happened off screen. Something major like that especially. You can have an exceptionally brutal and blood lusted character that earns that title eventually sure. However I can't in fair standing approve that based off what the profile has now.

All of this being said, there's real potential to make a fairly interesting character out of this and I'll be willing to help you refine it into such if your interested in it. Post with any questions and once you've made the needed changes and I'll help you further.

[Svala]

Hrm. I may take this back to the drawing board. I fully understand what you are saying, but some of those parts are more ingrained backstory for her as a whole (she is a character I have used elsewhere with a similar background; I just modified it for here), so she kind of is defined a lot by the idea that she was a prodigy who, with proper motivation complimenting intensive training, was able to compete at a high tournament level, despite being young and a relative unknown, through sheer natural talent.

The rest of her story snowballs off of that point, so anything past it is moot if that initial part is not allowed (thus needing a full rewrite in that case).

I'm open to ideas of how to keep everything mostly intact while making the changes needed for it to pass muster, but I may consider a different entry depending on what would need to be changed. I'm also open to perhaps making her less anit-hero and more villain if that would help at all, since she is designed to toe the line a lot.

Sorry if that seems a bit picky or weird, but I'm a sort of perfectionist like that, and I care immensely for my characters and the specifics to them. It basically means I usually prefer making a new character, rather than changing an existing one.

[Ilheod]

It's entirely fine. However I can not in good standing approve a character that is capable of defeating veteran officers at such a young age. We do try to adhere to a realism in some standards atleast for scaling's sake. Realistically speaking, if someone was able to defeat the best standard of officer at such a young age(Ignoring the seasoned veteran part), by their current age they would be entirely unbeatable in a single combat setting even to the current generals and that is something we would never approve for a starting character given that there are characters who have had to work for hundreds of posts roleplay wise to attain something even remotely close to that. You'd have perhaps four humans on all of Elibe that would be able to challange said character if that.

I am entirely willing to working with you in terms of how to develop it if your willing to look beyond that but it sounds like it was integral to the character you wanted to portray. If so, I do apologize but it's just not something that would fit on the site. We follow a general setting that primary skill and prowess is earned, not given prior to the writing. Even for dragon characters who are over a thousand years old, they have to start at the same point as any 0 post dragon would. There are many ways fluff wise to establish a character starting out so weak, but it's just how we have to do things to preserve balance on the site.

[Svala]

So, if I work to present a different design, do I go about that one using this same post? Or do I make another? I'm heavily considering just building from scratch for the purposes of this RP's tight rules.

[Ilheod]

If it's another character you'd be able to change around your profile and produce another application, yet could even just edit/re-purpose this one if you'd like to keep the template. Just have to change the title of the thread and application to reflect appropriately. If you are just re-doing or changing the character you cuold just edit your current application as is with no other changes needed to the profile

[Svala]

Okay, going with a simple trainee route. Brand new character with what I hope is a nice hook in her backstory. She should work out better.

[Ilheod]

So. Most of this new app isn't a problem. There is one larger one though. She manages to score a near fatal injury on an instructor. If some circumstance were to cause this outside of her control, might not be much of an issue. However the mod staff after review is not okay with a trainee of their own aptitude managing such. If this primary aspect is shifted in a way that it is more circumstance than her it won't be as much of a problem.