Realization (Clair/Richter A support)

[Clair Feldsky]

OoC: takes place from page 10 of Behind Enemy Lines, Etruria

BiC:

[Red]"No, Clair, wait..."[/Red] Richter spoke, his hand jumping up slightly at the utterance. [Red]"Don't go."[/Red]

She stopped backing away. She was glad that he'd asked her to stop though. She'd been leaving out of a sense of duty, because rest would be needed for the next day's travel. Duty wasn't everything though. Her feelings were enough to tell her that.

"I... didn't really want to leave you anyway." She smiled, but it was a bit shy. Almkst subdued. It was very unusual for her. Officers in an army were not supposed to allow themselves to get attached their commanders in the way she had realized she had with Richter. Her entire method for maintaining control over the years was built around using the established rules around an army to prop up her authority as assistant officer, subcommander, or more recently, commander. Now though, she just wanted to throw the rules away. She'd recently accepted something rather exciting about this man. She realized that as she'd grown and matured over the years, her attitude towards Richter had changed from respect and admiration due to a skilled commander, to love of one of the most capable, determined, and heroic men she'd ever met. He could be rough and stubborn at times, but his heart had never been in doubt for her.

She stepped a few steps closer again, feeling a bit awkward this time. She wanted to do more, but didn't want to overstep her bounds, and.... She felt more insecurity about her actions than when they'd gone to speak with the High Lords of Illia, she realized.

She mulled over her thoughts, and what needed to be said. She was uncomfortable, but it came from not knowing what to say, rather than the setting, or the company.

"I'm sorry..." she mumbled under her breath. "I just... a-a bit lost right now." She reached up and pushed a straight lock of long blond hair behind her left ear, glancing off to her right as she did so.

"There's so much... where do we start at?" She did look back to him then, trying to gage him by his expression.

[Richter Abend]

"I-I'm not sure," replied Richter, his voice unusually shaky. He blinked once, as if to get rid of the unsureness that was plaguing him, and when that didn't work, he blinked again. His body was growing anxious, and he didn't know what to do with himself. God, this wasn't like him. What was going on? He was the first man to successfully rebel against the largest unified military force Elibe had seen since the Scouring. He had braved the harshest winters of Ilia and bent the Lords of Edessa to his side. He had killed hundreds of men, severed the heads of wyverns, battled atop dragons, and even faced down the living dead. He had done more than some men even dreamed, and now here he was, standing here like a damned, tittering, lovestruck teenager.

Yes, Richter couldn't deny it, he was in love with Clair. The girl was eight years his junior, and had been nothing more than an upstart pegasus knight who could barely hold a spear correctly when they had first met, but over these last three years Richter's feelings had blossomed into something he had never truly felt before. And however much he had tried to repeatedly lock them away, there was no denying that his feelings for Clair had changed who he was as a person. She had become his sounding board for when he needed one, his conscience for when his better judgment left him, the only person in his army he felt he could talk to as more than a subordinate, and the only person he would rather have beside him in battle than his own sword.

But he was not the type of man to let that all come spilling out at once. They'd take this slow, or else he'd just end up looking like an idiot.
"Well, we should just start with you," said Richter, having taken a deep breath and stabilized his disposition. Love or not, he had more control over himself than this. "What happened after that battle in the pass?"

[Clair Feldsky]

What she saw from watching Richter would have made her giggle in amusement, were she not stifling it. She didn't giggle often, but seeing that the battle hardened pink-haired commander was also feeling as uncomfortable and lost as she was helped set her more at ease, if only a little. Instead, a small smile which she tried to hide slipped out for a moment. Until he asked about the fight in the Illian pass.

That had been a nasty business. They hadn't lost as many soldiers as they could have, but no one had come out of it unscathed, and many with fairly severe injuries. It was a good thing they still had a few flyers to keep a lookout while they crossed the Plains of Sacae. They'd need the intelligence that pegasus knights gave to protect themselves better from any ambush that might come.

"It wasn't pretty, but we routed them." Clair frowned as she spoke. The story was bleak, but not as bad as it could have been.

"When I arrived, the troops were fighting on the front and back lines. There was a ridge with a some archers that I and a few other aerial forces I brought hit. I think I killed one of the leaders there.... The most bloodthirsty brute I've ever seen. The world is better off without that one!" A bit of fire kindled in her eyes as she remembered the fiery haired giant of an axman.

"The conflict was short, considering its size. We lost less than one hundred, thanks to a heavy trade in healing supplies. I ordered them to the Bernese Border. Told'em to sit there and wait for one of us to return. Farlus and Lieutenant Bennings is with them, as well as another Commander who showed up to join your force."

"Corona was injured.... It looked pretty bad when I left." Her voice was low and slow. It was calm. She'd already come to terms with the fact that her best weapon and one of her most loyal friends had been crippled. Even with the army healers and Delia looking after him as they moved south, he might not make the full recovery.

[Richter Abend]

Richter remained silent as Clair spoke of the battle and the logistics of here presence here. A lot had happened in his absence, or rather his unconsciousness, as the rebel commander had no real way of knowing when he had blacked out in relation to his assistant commander's arrival on the Ilian battlefield. He could have been out cold and dragged off before she even got her lanced bloodied.

But where and when he was during said events wasn't all that important in the grand scheme of things. Corona's injuries explained why Clair was riding a new pegasus, and it was good to know that the battle had been an overall victory and that casualties among his own men had been kept to a minimum. Both were welcome news seeing that the bandit horde had caught them both in unawares and in bad terrain.

Clair managed to answer, satisfactorily, what had happened to the men in his absence. While it had been relieving to see his assistant officer back in the guard tower, her presence in Etruria had meant that she wasn't back in Ilia, and apparently now Sacae, with the men like protocol would have her. But Richter had never been much for protocol, because if he had been, he wouldn't have ended up killing two of his commanding officers. Thus, it was good to know that Farlus and Bennings had things covered for the time being, though Richter would know more about this new commander that had joined up with them.

"This commander..." asked Richter, "what is his name? What do you know of him?"

[Clair Feldsky]

"Wha? His name?" Clair was a bit caught off guard by the question. She'd attached little significance to him, except his prowess in battle. That, and he seemed like the only man who could keep that lot of rioters under the loose semblance of control they had been under. He may have commanded fear from the bandits throwing themselves at them, but to Clair he had been just another piece of scum to cleanse from the world.

"I don't actually know anything about him, except he's lucky that he fell off the cliff as he died." The Falcoknight's jaw had stiffened after she spoke. He'd injured Corona. He'd actually aplit one of the pegasus squires she'd had with her down the middle.... No one got away with such things while Clair was on the job.

"He was a hulk of a man, and had fiery red hair. He used a giant axe. It's actually in storage with the army right now, presumably, but it looked just about ready to break...." A new thought entered her mind as she told of the enemy.

"You don't know anything about who it might have been, do you?"

[Richter Abend]

Richter's eyes widened as Clair told him how the newly arrived commander had fallen off a cliff and died, a bit surprised at Clair's bitterness. He half-imagined his assistant commander pushing a grizzled, old, Ilian general off of a snowy cliff, but discerned what the Falcoknight was talking about as she began describing the man, giant, fiery, and axe-wielding as he was. Ah, she had misunderstood.

"Not a clue," replied Richter, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Though he sounds like quite an ogre. But that's not quite what I was talking about." Richter waved a hand, dismissing the current train of conversation. "The commander, the new one that is currently assisting Bennings and Farlus in leading the troops. Who is he? Not that I don't trust your judgement, but I'd prefer to know of the men in whose care my troops have been left."

[Clair Feldsky]

It took a moment for Clair to get back on track from her thoughts of the bandit raid and the giant she'd gone up against there. That was an encounter that wouldn't quickly be forgotten, and she realized then how furious she still was at the red haired axeman. That fire was a part of her now, and would be directed against any who would injure those she commanded or cared for.

"Right. His name was Leontius Aurelei. Thirties. Light blue hair. Dead right eye?" She waited a moment to see if anything was ringing a bell for Richter. He had been around longer, but had been away from Ilia for a long time.

"He and his troop looked well prepared, and they said they'd been hired to come and help us. Things were hectic, so I put them to work." At the time, she'd thought it could be suspicious when he'd showed up right after the battle, but something about him had won enough favor to get her to trust him. At least enough to let them join in. She'd still expected caution from all the officers in the army, but Leon would get his chance.

"Bennings has command, and I'm sure he can look after things till we get back." She looked down for a moment and drummed her fingers lightly together once, before looking back up at him. Her blue eyed eyes meeting his green with a touch of pain, because she was certain she already knew the answer to her question.

"Richter... were you treated roughly?" Etruria hated Richter because of what he'd done against them. What he'd become. It was likely all enemies they captured suffered.

[Richter Abend]

Richter frowned. Leontius Aurelei. Leontius Aurelei... Nope, didn't ring a bell. He'd probably been away from his homeland too long to know any of the up-and-comers in the Ilian ranks. At the same time, though he'd probably know even less if had stayed in Ilia, you know, all things considered. But Clair said he'd been hired to help them, which meant they were either well-placed Etrurian agents or reinforcements hired by Edessa, and right now Richter would rather believe the latter, so if Clair trusted the man, he would too.

Richter was about to speak in approval of Bennings's temporary promotion, when Clair looked up at him with a sad glance.

"Richter... were you treated roughly?"

Was he treated...roughly? The rebel commander's eyes flickered with a twinge of hate. Those brigands hadn't been all that careful with him, and he could only imagine that being dragged across the tundra hadn't been kind on his broken rib. And that bastard Alranus hadn't had much concern about beating him around. Richter had felt like his face was about to burn off in that dungeon. But he couldn't tell that to Clair. He could just see the look in her eyes.

"They're Etrurians," he said with a small shrug, but an ever so small grimacea. "They're not exactly nice, but I can't imagine I was treated any worse than any other of their captors." Richter rubbed a hand on the side of his neck. "But I'll be honest, I'm glad to be back under the sun." He nodded awkwardly at Clair. "And, uh, next to, um, you."

[Clair Feldsky]

Clair's mouth twisted downwards, the blue in her eyes seeming to darken with her mood. These Etrurians could justify anything where their Prophet was concerned. Some of the commanders being put in charge probably didn't even bother justifying what they did anymore. It was horrid, it was dishonorable, and it was the last straw. The Inquisitorial Army was particularly hard on her soldiers, as they had been on Richter, and so there would be no more mercy for the Prophet's men.

"Richter. A name. Give me a name for my lance to find. Who was the man in charge of hunting you?!"

...

The falcoknight's eyes blinked quickly. He'd said it. He'd actually said it. Well, he hadn't actually said "love" yet, but she was certain and reckless enough to assign what he said to mean love. She felt a giddy smile trying to force its way onto her face. It cracked her guard for a moment. Tthen was forced down again. Then burst out with a laugh as she fell forward and clung to the pink-haired swordsman, feeling like a lovestruck teenager, and not caring in the slightest.

....

More than one possible sets of reactions ran through the Ilian girl's mind. Extremes of both vengeance and happiness or relief were not uncommon. Her eyes did darken in anger at what Richter wasn't telling her, but it was not aimed at him. Her face remained calm as she spoke.

"I still want the name of the one who hunts you,... but I'm glad you're here too." A smile peaked through then. She laced her fingers together and dropped her hands to her waist as she paused.... She was done playing this word game. At one time it had felt necessary, but its limits had slowly become oppressive, until she'd decided she needed to let her feelings be known. That had been before Richter had been taken. No more missed chances.

"I'm glad because I love you Richter. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be than right here." Now she'd said it, and her face carried a bit of apprehension. You'd better be pretty sure of yourself to tell that to your Commander, she decided, but now that she'd spit it out, there was a moment of relief, whatever might come next.

The Sacaen breeze blew a few strands of her hair free of their places and into her face. At the end of her rope, Clair reached up and brushed them aside, giving her head a light shake as she spoke. "...I can't keep up this game of hiding things anymore."

[Richter Abend]

Richter froze up as the word "love" escaped Clair's mouth. No, why had she said it? Everything was fine up until now. It wasn't that he hadn't expected it, since he knew the word was about to come out eventually, but hearing it actually said made it seem all the more real.

And all the more frightening.

It wasn't the emotions that Richter feared. He had learned to deal with those. He knew how to ignore emotion when it was necessary, and to channel emotion into strength when it was profitable. And it wasn't the concept of a romance that scared him either. No, that wasn't it at all. What scared Richter about the word was the commitment it carried with it. The binding, unrelenting nature of love.

But the aversion he felt wasn't the silly "I don't want to be tied down to one person" excuse that womanizers and lechers used to justify their actions. Again, it wasn't about the romance for Richter. It was more than that. For the last seven years the rebel commander had, consciously or not, running from attachment of all kinds. Because bonds hurt. They pulled on one's soul when stretched too hard, stung more when severed, and burnt when forcibly soldered back together. Whether attached through love or attached through hate, the bonds that tied people together did nothing but inflict pain. Richter knew that all to well.

It was easier to remain detached. He had left his home so that he didn't have to be reminded of the pain of his family's death. He had left his sister so that he didn't have to look at her and wonder why they were alone. He distanced himself from his men so that he didn't have to deal with the pain of loss when they died. He didn't allow himself sympathy or understanding for his foes for it defended them against the guilt of the lives he destroyed. They'd been lucky up to this point, but what would Richter do if Clair was injured, or worse, killed? He wasn't sure he could take that kind of pain again.

But he could not deny his feelings for Clair. They were there, and they would have to be dealt with, like everything else.

"I..." Richter started, before turning his gaze from his assistant commander. He couldn't bare to look at her as she revealed herself to him. It was a trust and understanding that he didn't feel like he could return in kind. "I...love...you too, Clair." The rebel commander slowly turned his eyes back to meet the Falcoknight's. She may have been tired of hiding things, but hiding things was easier for him. "Which is why...I'm not sure that I can do this."

[Clair Feldsky]

She held still for a moment, letting the sacaen breezes blow lightly acrss the fields in uninterupted silence. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but it refused to work, so she closed it again Somehow, she wasn't surprised to hear him say such things. She knew that he shunned affection, but she'd also been hopeful that he would open up to her.

For the moment, she was empty of what normally made her up. Gone was the empathy for his past, and the understanding of why he ran from connections. Gone was the intensity and loyalty that fueled her devotion to her beliefs, principles, and the people she respected. Even the pain from his answer was distant. Speaking of answers, what kind of answer had he given her? It wasn't a yes, and it wasn't a no. It was a maybe. The only thing that was really pushing its way to the front right now was a single question:

"What do you mean? You're not sure you can do what?" She was confused. There was very little to be done, at least from her point of view. They'd already established he loved her, and she him.

All the buried emotions began to return with a rush, leaving her disoriented. Little could prepare you for a torrential rush of feelings. Not in the same way that you could steel yourself for an armed charge or arrow barrage in a battle, at least. She found her center though, her dedication to her country and her belief in equipping the weak while destroying injustice, and clung to it with all she had, waiting for Richter's answer. Even the very core of her personality was touched by the pink-haired swordsman though. Years back, when he'd first gained her respect, she'd sworn her loyalty to him always, because she believed that his goals were in line with her own, ultimately. Perhaps that was why things were so simple to her.

[Richter Abend]

"This, Clair!" replied Richter, his voice growing into an exasperated growl. How did she not know what he meant? Was she trying to be thick? "This! This...this...relationship! I don't know, this whole situation!" The rebel commander put a hand to his brow. All these emotions were getting to him. What a few seconds ago had been melancholy quickly was becoming anger.

"Don't you get it? As long as you're my assistant commander, anything that happens to you, good, or otherwise, is just part of the job. I have no investment in it beyond its impact on our goals. If anything bad happens to you? Well...necessary sacrifices, as I've told myself so many times." The pink haired man began to pace. Standing in one place talking about his feelings was new to him, and he needed some way of exuding his frustration, in this case, preferably through his feet.

"But if you're...I don't know, more, well, things become a whole lot more complicated," continued the taller man, his speech now growing faster and more harried. He was redirecting his answer away from his feelings. Logic made more sense. "I can't become emotionally involved. Why do you think standing armies have rules in place to prevent fraternization? I can't start showing you favoritism. Think about the implications that would have in the midst of battle." Richter shook his head. He always had suspicions of Clair's feelings, and he was glad she knew how he felt, but they couldn't just throw their hands up in the air and declare their undying love for each other, right? "That's why, Clair. It's not that simple."

[Clair Feldsky]

Clair just stood and listened. It hurt when he snapped on her. And it hurt to be devalued as "acceptable losses". Not as bad as it could have, because she had used the same excuses in the beginning, and knew them for what they were. Perhaps because part of her job had entailed keeping her Commander alive though, they had never stuck as well to her.

Oh yes they did. A small voice inside her spoke up, reminding her of the past. It took you, the both of you, three long years to get to where you are now. Along the way, you were the model soldier, despite the feelings developing inside you which you refused to confront. And now you've thrown all that away. Those "foolish rules" which kept you apart voluntarily for so long. You know they aren't really foolish at all, but necessary. It's not too late to go back. Things could return to the way they were before. You've even managed to clear your mind of the confession you so wished him to know about. You could find refuge in duty again.

That was what part of her was saying, but the Falcoknight remembered how it had felt as though she'd been gradually being choked before, when she'd had to hide her affections for the man before her. She'd made the decision that she couldn't go back to that, whatever else happened. She'd hoped she wouldn't have to, and she wasn't quite ready to give up yet.

"Richter, the fact that we're relying on this rule to keep things in balance shows that it's already complicated. We're both already emotionally involved." She quieted, trying to see if he'd heard what she was saying or not. With how agitated he was now, she wasn't sure. The truth was, he wasn't the only one feeling agitation.

[Richter Abend]

Richter inhaled deeply as Clair plead with him. There was a long, long pause as he thought. Her voice, her face, her posture; she was so beautiful to him, and yet all it did was make her all the more painful to look at. He didn't want to blot out his feelings, his love for Clair, but whenever he turned it over in his head, Richter's mind kept telling him that it was better this way, and that he'd thank himself in the future if he just...walked away.

But no matter how how hard he tried, or how logically he thought, Richter couldn't walk away. He couldn't leave Clair to stand there, alone, and he couldn't bring himself to leave and be alone once more. Because what Richter felt by severing his ties, stifling his attachments, and distancing himself from others wasn't safety. It wasn't security. It wasn't comfort.

It was loneliness. Cold, and empty.

No, Richter was tired of being alone. He was tired of being so isolated from his men, forcing himself to be so uncaring towards his comrades. He wanted to be with Clair; to protect her and to experience the world with her. She had been there, by his side, since the beginning. She was the only positive consistancy in his life, and he could think of nobody else he would want to spend the rest of his days with, for good or ill.

"You're right, we are," he said quietly, turning the full brunt of his gaze upon Clair. His eyes contained not anger, not frustration, and not anxiety. They were calm, and the expression they held could only be describe as love and sadness. "And that is why I am so slow to acknowledge it, because once we do, we can never go back." The pink haired Ilian slowly shook his head. "But I don't want to go back. I've found something good with you, Clair, and I'd like to keep it."

[Clair Feldsky]

The relief Clair felt on hearing those words was palpable. He wanted her with him. He'd accepted her. He'd "found something good, and wanted to keep it". She could feel a wash of emotion that rivaled an avalanche as she realized what this meant for the future. No more lying to herself, or to others. No more urgent needs to hide the nature of her feelings from others. She could just be herself and do her duties without the worry of rejection making itself present.

Before she knew it, Clair had stepped close to the pink-haired swordsman, her hands resting on his shoulders, and her head tipping forward till her forehead rested lightly on his chest. It was a place she'd wanted to be for months. She felt content, knowing that they'd be there for each other, whatever was on the horizon for them.

"I'm glad you decided to keep me...." Her voice was earnest, but also carried a hint of teasing to it. Something brought to life as a result of the previous conversation.

"I've been yours since the trip to Ilia." Before, really, but that had been when she'd finally confronted herself over her feelings. Wait till she wrote home and told her family she had a boyfriend! Although, the term "boyfriend" didn't seem to suit the quiet, yet solid relationship that she and Richter had formed. Suffice to say, she wasn't sure what to call him, but in the absence of anything clear, Commander would do in a pinch.