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Post by Charlotte on Jul 7, 2015 12:10:34 GMT -6
Charlotte didn’t want to sit, no, her legs were too anxious for that. But she pushed her back away from the door, walking over to the table; instead of sitting herself down, she grabbed the back of the chair with her still shaky hands, angling her back and leaning her weight into the chair, so that her arms were slightly bent. Nothing was comfortable here now, not like the last time she’d been in Tiz’s flat.
His view of love, infatuation, whatever it was that was between them, was so pure, so naive. It pained her to be the cynical one, the one unable to return that intense of a sentiment. Charlotte had willfully admitted to herself that the seed, bud, what have you, of something was there; but the way the man spoke of it… it was as if the flower had begun to bloom, outside of their own control. From what she knew of it, love wasn’t this uncontained force that consumed someone; it was a choice, based on infatuation and a willingness to sacrifice. Tiz was making that choice, he had made that all too clear.
But no matter who was on the other side of the table, Charlotte knew what her choice had to be. A man as romantic and quixotic as Tiz would likely never understand, but she knew it was only for his benefit. He was besotted with her, and while part of her pulled for the same feeling, Charlotte couldn’t waver. Neither of them could afford for her to do so, even if that was what Tiz yearned for. In his words, she’d lie alone in the dark pit, rather than drag him down into hers.
“Tiz, listen to yourself,” Charlotte finally said, her tone exasperated and almost tired. She felt as if this conversation had gone on for days. “We’ve barely known one another for more than a few weeks, and you still don’t know more than an inkling of who I really am.” And the more you learn, if I could even tell you, she thought, would more than convince you I’m right. She kept her thought to herself, though, knowing the man would take it as a challenge.
“Part of the reason I even came was to tell you I’m leaving,” Charlotte said suddenly, still leaning over the chair as she looked back up at Tiz. Truthfully it hadn't been, but she'd realized it she only had one more job, out in Santaruz, before she left for Etruria. “And I don’t know when, or even if, I’ll be back. I don’t get to choose either way.” She paused, a shuddering sigh passing through her chest; the sobs that had risen in her moment of weakness had passed, her demeanor slowly hardening back to its usual guardedness. Once she left this time, it really was likely she’d never see him again. It was best for the both of them to forget the other, even if it was hard to do.
“Even... even if I could feel this way, Tiz, there’s no use. I mean it when I say I can’t. For both of our sake. I don’t need you to understand why, just… to accept it.” Charlotte looked down at the top of the chair back, wishing there had been a kinder way to say all this. She wished she hadn't had to say this. If she were any other person, a warmer person, a normal person, it would be different; hell, it could even work. But she supposed if she were another person, Tiz wouldn’t feel the same way - that was why this hurt more than she liked. Maybe he wouldn't run for the hills, knowing who she really was; maybe by some act of the gods, he'd accept her for who she was. It pained her that she'd never know if that was true.
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Post by Tiz on Jul 7, 2015 12:30:13 GMT -6
"I see." He said plainly, without emotion in his voice. It was beyond his nature to display sadness; hurt, sure, and sympathy sure... But when he was sad, when his core ached with worry or depressive thoughts, he knew to cap it. And so he had done just that, recognizing that the futility of his words was unavoidable; this woman was far too guarded, and he knew not to press. It wasn't in his nature. It would never be in his nature to demand answers from someone who wasn't willing to give them. But maybe in time...
Tiz stood slowly, collecting his cup and saucer from the table, and took them over to his wash basin, setting them next to hers. Even looking at the cup from which she drank made his heart ache... He could feel their first night slipping away, the feelings becoming slowly replaced by those of this encounter, this potential last encounter. Tiz thought to himself that he might ask her to tell him more about herself... It was true, he knew very little, and she clearly wasn't prone to giving into his ideals or optimism. That was fine... She didn't need to. She didn't need to be a female replication of himself for Tiz to feel this way about her. It had happened so quickly, though, that he wasn't sure where to take it, or how he was supposed to feel.
Stopping short, in the wide, spaced wall frame that separated the kitchen from his bedroom, Tiz leaned against the frame and folded his arms as he perused the woman, shaken with some force, as she looked upon the chair, her hands around it. How beautiful she was, Tiz thought... And he would tell her that, if it had been important. If it had been worth saying... But now, perhaps because of her certainty, it wasn't.
Internally, he was screaming. She couldn't just... Leave. Was that true? Where would she go, and for how long? Why? Was it to escape him? None of these questions came to his lips, as they remained shut, his eyes trained on her, watching her with careful intent. The green orbs were glossed over, heavy with grief and displacement, wracked by the distance that had been created between them... He felt almost as if he couldn't approach her.
"You know, Myscha, you don't need much more than an inkling to get a feel for someone. You seem to think that your sins have set you apart, made you unredeemable... Or, maybe you're stuck in the mindset that you need redemption at all. And I'm no prophet, maybe you do. I do. I can't..."
He looked away from her a moment, lost in his thoughts, struggling to pull the words from out of his weak heart and through his throat. "I can't make you stay. I can't even ask you to stay. The only thing I can ask is that you're honest, and if you're being honest with me, then that's all I can expect to get, huh?" He smiled weakly, finally looking back up at her... His face began to look weary, not more than a single tear coming out of his eye.
"I guess I don't need to understand either," he said with a chuckle. "It's your life. Not mine. I just want to be a part of it..."
The words had slipped out faster than he'd realized; he'd meant to put a cap on them, but he'd finally tapped into his heart and couldn't keep them inside of himself. He shook his head, pretending he hadn't said anything.
"If part of the reason was to make sure I was alive, and the other part was to tell me that you're leaving, I guess that's it, then? I mean I... Couldn't ask you to stay, I couldn't... I can't pry, I don't... This isn't my business anymore, I guess. Maybe it never was." He gave her a broken, solemn look, his eyes having almost died completely, losing their flavor and spark.
"Whatever you do in your life, Myscha," he said, pulling away from the wall, walking back to the window and looking outside. It was becoming too hard to focus on her.. It would make him cry, and he couldn't do that to her. He had to let her go, if that's truly what she wanted. More than anything, Tiz wanted to hear her open up, to place trust in him, to confide in him... But he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't ask her. It wasn't his place.
"Whatever you do... Do not think that you can't feel this way. About... anything." He glanced back at her, but not for long. "Don't condemn yourself to living a life alone in the pit, because there are hands everywhere reaching out for you. Maybe not to pull you out, but even just to let you know that... You know, you're not alone. And that you never will be."
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Post by Charlotte on Jul 7, 2015 18:17:54 GMT -6
The young woman watched as Tiz slowly gathered the undrunk cup of tea, taking it away and moving away from her. Even though they were only ten or so feet apart, Charlotte could have already been in Etruria, what with how distant they had become. The empathetic part of her wanted to say something to mend the rift, to keep them from being so far apart. But reason ruled her right now, and reason said this would cause nothing but pain, nothing but trouble - every line she’d used to try and convince him that he didn’t need her in his life.
Did she need redemption? Was she unredeemable? Charlotte was predisposed to believe the latter, with how much she had done, how many she had hurt. Maybe she had never taken a life, but there were far worse things that one could do, and she’d done many of those things. Watching as he moved back to the open doorframe, she wondered what he meant by needing his own redemption. But it wasn’t something she would ask now, not when she’d made it clear they were to part.
Honest… When was the last time Charlotte had been truly honest with someone, of her own will? Sure, she’d told the truth to certain people - telling Rogus and Saturos her real name qualified, but the last person she’d been honest with was long gone, a figment of memory. She had turned herself into an enigma, both for her safety and her advantage. It was a necessary thing when one dealt with so many terrible people, dealt in so many moral quandaries. Her heart twinged as he admitted all he wanted was to be a part of her life, but what kind of life would it even be? What could she tell him, what could she say?
Tiz wanted to ask her to stay, she could clearly tell, but he was beside himself in trying to allow her her freedom. She respected him, hell, admired him for that. It took someone strong, kind, brave to do something so heartbreaking, to turn their back on what they felt and let someone go. It was the choice that almost convinced her that somehow, though they barely knew one another, that maybe he truly did feel something real for her.
As he went to the window, turning his back to her and giving her only a glance as he spoke, Charlotte felt a sad smile curl her lips for a moment. She wished more people spoke like him, spoke what was truly on their minds, what they truly felt. It was nice to know someone genuinely cared about her well-being, even if he didn’t truly know her.
Charlotte realized anything else she could say would just tear up the man more, make him continue to wonder if there was anything else he could do to stop her from going. So she simply approached him from behind, laying a soft hand on his broad, strong shoulder; she wanted to feel him close to her, even in a small way, for one last time.
“Thank you,” was all she could say, in no more than a whisper, before letting the moment linger, another tear having suddenly sprouted at the corner of her eye and rolling down her cheek. After a few seconds, Charlotte let her hand drop, turning and quickly moving to the door, opening it slowly and slipping out. She felt as if she could collapse on the stairs, but instead she forced herself forward, knowing there was nothing she could do now but leave. It was done.
[exit]
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Post by Tiz on Jul 7, 2015 18:38:08 GMT -6
Tiz had been looking down, his eyes still glossed over as she considered everything the woman had said. He knew he couldn't be forward with her... To do so would cause them both pain. And so, no matter how badly the man wanted to speak his heart, he absolutely refused to, relying instead on his fleeting ability to keep his heart contained behind his lips. It was rare for him to do so, but for her, he knew he had to try. And for him. For the both of them. Was that right? Or was he filling himself full of nonsense to put the situation out of his head?
Realizing he truly knew no more, Tiz was content to let it die, to let her leave him forever, never to see her again. It would hurt, and he could never lose what she had built up in his heart, but he knew that--
And then it came, the simple, kind, affectionate gesture that was the hand on his shoulder. He turned to face her, his eyes once again brimming, full of life and excitement, they way they had been when she first met him. He didn't smile, but let his mouth hang open just a bit, in surprise, as the green in his eyes danced about, mixing with the golden flakes therein-- he was alive, and he could feel it in his chest, in his limbs, and in his heart... Yet he made no move to speak. She had told him enough... Her hand on his shoulder, brief though it was, was enough. He would see her again. He knew he would. And he would have answers next time.
Without words, Tiz kept his newly livened eyes on Myscha as she turned to leave, closing his door behind him. For a few long, silent moments, Tiz stared at the door, memories and ideas whirling about in his head like a dancing troupe. He thought about the first time she had come through the door, the first time she had left through the door, and now he had a second time to remember. Regardless of the tension, regardless of the sadness, he had seen her again. The first time he had seen her, he had figured he wouldn't-- and yet, here she had been.
It was magical. Even though he was completely alone, a smile caressed Tiz's excited face, and he moved away from the window. He barreled out the door, throwing it open, leaving it hanging as he charged down the stairs, then throwing the door to the building open, throwing himself out in a dead sprint into the night-lit road. His smile had become wide and prominent, taking charge of his whole face. He looked around for her, and saw nothing-- no one. It was gone. She was gone. But his smile didn't disappear.
He knew he would see her again. He didn't need to know where she was now... He could feel it. He trusted his heart, the thing that had always guided him... And he felt her presence still within. He would find her, on another day.
[end thread]
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